19 Sep 2007
Sadder than blue.
And now I realise...
Eversince I was a child I was always the bubbly one ,the chubby one and the cheeky one.I was my daddy"s girl.Not many kids could say that they had been where Ive been. Though usually kids who talks a lot often are not smart one in the class, I would consider that I wasn"t too bad .Always shine through all my test and examinations.I have to agree Im pretty slow when it comes to my most hated subject which is P.E .Damn I hate the subject and I cant even be bothered to change into my white T shirt and short.
Im writing this because I am so stressed at the moment, I know there is so much potential in myself,I grew up with my teachers and mentors telling me that I am special.I used tofeel that im speacial,I measured happiness by getting good grades in school and going to a good college but today I dont feel special at all.I feel scarred , bruised,tired and smashed as a person, as a women ,as a daughter and as a friend.
Where have I been?
Ive been self sabotaging myself all this while .
At the end of the day with my blocked nose while typing this..I am asking myself how I feel at this moment..
Im feeling so sad,alone and unloved.
And wish to get some peace in the sky.
18 Jul 2007
Don"t say goodbye.
Current mood: mellow Category: Romance and Relationships
I have been having nightmares lately,It wakes me up at 3 and I cant go back to sleep,I was wondering whats the matter with me,but I think its the emotional pain that I have been trying to conceal.
I ve lost so much in my life and I dont want to sound too melodramatic in this case,so its fair to say that throughout our lives ,we all lose certain things name it love or physical material matter,Ive lost career,health, material things,luxury,dignity,integrity and happiness throughout my( just over) 26 years of living.but thats nothing compared to losing your loved ones.
I am in love,so in love at this moment with someone..I see him everyday,I talked to him on the phone everyday,I ate with him everyday and so many other things we do together.But still I miss him everytime he is not in front of me. And soon I have to leave him for a while and Im already feeling really sad ,knowing how much I will miss him. He is my best friend ,he always put a smile on my face .
We had been through so much together,I am blessed to have a men who loves me just the way I am.When everybody resent me,he stayed by me, he fought for me .Even if tomorrow I stop breathing for good,I would leave this world with a happy smile on my face just for the fact that Ive been in love and loved.
I wrote him poems..many of them
I remember before I opened my restaurant,this bulding was an old building in the city centre,this men who were 80 at the time ,stayed there from 8.30 a.m to 5.30p.m ,his son would drop him off and pick him up after work.He has got a big mansion in the suburb of Kuala Lumpur but he chose to hang out in the house and did his paperworks in the afternoon, We weren"t sure what paperworks he was doing ,until he passed away, when I was about to do refurbishment works to the pre war building and convert them into a fine dining restaurant,We found pile of paper and ..it was letters and poems he wrote to his wife who died 20 years before that. How much he missed her,how the kids are all grown up..yeah,like a journal ,a romantic journal dedicated to the deceased wife.I found the letters and poems ,only after a month of his death, how sweet is that? I promise not to love anyone else and thats what he did., love her,think of her till the end of his life.
Some might think its pathetic ,I dont care I still think its sweet how he could never forget her even after all those years.And this is the men who has everything ..money ,cars and lots of properties .
This is the kind of love that I have in my heart, loving someone unconditionally and everytime I shut my eyes dreaming of my future ,He"s always in it.
I will never leave you
I think I got it from my mum.,Even after 16 years that my father had gone,she is still in love with him,I think she missed making him coffee in the morning ,making him snacks,getting upset whenever he decided to spent his weekend on a golf trip.
I cant believe it... no matter how she tries to hide it in front of me and my brother they were occasional hiccups to it, she cried last week just thinking of my dad.They were so many obstacles in their marriage seen through my eyes as a kid ,but they really practised their vows to care for each other no matter what. And until today..yup 16 years struggling her life with 2 (stubborn,spoiled) children,financial crisis and emotional pain she survived doing it on her own ,in her own way.She love him so much and knowing that he loves her very much too is enough,it completes her life.My mum has no social life since 1991.She was always with us or working or..doing her crochet.
Oh mum... what a terrible thing to inherit from you,I hate being like this,I want to be the girl who could just forget this men and go on with another men at another station..therefore,there s no need for tears and heartache
He wont read this,but I just want you all to know,I really love him unconditionally.
After we go on a saparate route ..will we return again to love each other?
to be continued in a few months time....
10 Jul 2007
Memoir of a baker
Current mood: creative
As always ,London never fails to amaze me,I had a good time just strolling along the Thames and and browsing through the craziness of Camden Market.Those are among my favourite places
When Im in such big ultra modern uber cosmo city ,serrounded by "modern - uber -cosmo-stuck up- society(and tourist..) I realized that all the ideas of my restaurant concept that I ve thought of before are not stupid at all.
I went to a cafe that serves great breakfast and the menu is dominated by breads..name it rye, wholemeal,white,crusty,baguettes and they spice and hype" the menu up" by serving it as a platter for instance bread with hummus or Tuscan syle dippings and all sort of funky bread dishes.I thought of the idea 10 years ago ,about opening a bread bistro " sort of a premium bakery to be precise, and the key word is healthy ,doesnt matter how many bread softener and improvers we put into the bread to make it taste all nice and fresh, as long as it look as if it is healthy.
I had my Tuscan platter that comes in a gigantic plate consist of 3 thin slices of crusty bread a dollop of cottage cheese,a slice of mozarella,2 slices of sundried tomato , halves artichoke and a spoon of olive tapenade(mashed olive) and I (well,my boyfriend ) paid £12.95 for that ,I paid almost RM 100 for breads.London and its hype".I can never live there.
Nevertheless , this cafe was packed during breakfast ,lunch,dinner .Its wonderful ,on how creative and inventive people are nowadays,(and how many people actually love to eat bread and only bread ,no matter when) and I thought ..wait a second ,I had THIS dream when I was 16 years old, I dream of a cafe with chic decor , a cute breakfast place that serves all sort of bread and funky dippings,.. although at the time the idea of having a posh sophisticated bread restaurant makes me ponder and laugh , still,that was the reason why I went to baking school at the first place!
At this time I realize that we all should never laugh at ambitions,dreams and inventions especially if its our own.
06 Jul 2007
Its hard to find love ..maybe we just wait around and see
Im writing this while getting ready to go for a night out.
Its sunny today, since the last time I wrote my life has change,but then again my life is changing all the time,Im a women and Im such a complicated creature,at least we women are brave enough to admit that we are complicated and have PMT"s but men?? they are SOMETHING ELSE in fact they are more complicated that us women,
Today J a friend of mine interact with me on MSN from Kuala Lumpur, as usual she had a fight with her boyfriend AGAIN ,and they decided to break off for a while (for the 387 times! :rolling my eyes with a sigh") ya know just to start testing their love for each other ,so she is single now ,again .
The issues that revolves around their relationship is commitment and his randy behaviour . I bet it is heartbreaking when all you want is to feel secure ,have a good marriage , being a mum and live in a decent home raising you child with the men you love. But lately We all get to independent and that has been mistaken for feminism,being a feminist ,men hater ,meneater whatever you call it, and men (except for my bro and dad and grandpa and uncles) are all....... well, I want to say the word but its too rude ,We talked for hours and discussed the dilemma of women nowadays
FYI they do this quite often breaking off and before you knew it,they are walking hand in hand again. J ..what a sucker you are ha ha .. jokingly I said that she is such a disgrace to modern women with principles and dignity, and she replied with SHUT up- mind your own business ".
And later ,I opened my mailbox and found this e mail sent by her.
Why its difficult for me to settle down
Nice men are ugly
Handsome men are not nice(her ex boyfriend belongs to this one)
Handsome and nice men are gay
Handsome ,nice,heterosexual men are married(which I seems to agree)
Men who are not so handsome and nice has got no money
Men who are not so handsome but nice and got some money thinks that we are only after their money
Handsome men without money are after our money
The handsome men who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual dont think we are beautiful enough
The men who thinks that we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money are cowards or randy
The men who are somewhat handsome and nice and have got some money and thank god heterosexual , are shy and never make the first move!!
The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we atke the initiative
Now who the hell understands men???
And I thought ..we can never win ,(and I also thought ,Im not a complicated person after all!) but my advice J , If you want a guy as in a guy just to fool around there is a word for it in Malay and thats berlambak"(many) but and someone who really loves you , it comes naturally ,maybe you have or have not find him..I dont know ,and I cant tell you where or when you can find him.Maybe youll find the men you love when you are 36 or 56.Its only just the matter of time.
Yes there is still guys like my grandpa and your grandpa..
For those who has found love ,I m really happy for you ,its not easy to find love that fits like gloves ,The men who can put up with your tantrums and antics.The men who is sad when you are sad,glad when you are glad(Im starting to sing now).
For those who still have not find it, spare some space for that special one,he or she will come to you,as long as you still opens the door.
I am dedicating this one to my friend J with a wink who thinks that she is unloved"-I say" thats NOT true. (sun is still shining and Ill be charging for the next consultation ha, ha just kiddin) for now get your red shoe on and boogie" with your mates And also ... friends who has found love and sooo much in love these two..Charlie and Craig who will be getting married soon.Im so happy for you two!!! muah muah muah!!!! love you both so much craig had been like big brother I never had and Charlie is my partner in crime.A part of me will always be at the wedding .xx
18:18 - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
30 Jun 2007
Close your eyes so you dont feel them..they dont need to see you cry
Current mood: gloomy
The weather didn"t treat me so well today,I ran out of words to say lately,but then again even If I have so much to say,I would want to keep it in my heart,I do not want to hurt those people around me,It proves that I am not as good person as I thought I was.But confrontation ,anger and arguments are not my favourite words.
My expectations ,my dissapointments, my frustrations,anger and well ..sound so cliche, .. sigh",...pain..Let it be in my heart , let it be a secret,Im wearing a clown mask at this moment.
Maybe we expect too much in life ?
but ,we were brought up thinking that sky isn"t the limit .expectations and dreams are equal to ambition.As a human being, Im allowed to have dreams,sadly I didn"t follow that dreams,I changed my route.But in this new road there is always something in the way.
Well, decisions was changed due to time and circumstances.Priority changes,dreams put on hold or forgotten.I think I have better things in store for me,but it didnt turn out the way I expect it to be.
At this moment I been doing a lot of "what ifs? and I should"ves...
Would it be different ?,would it change everything?
I sat in the bathtub,and cried...and despite my positive ,happy image , at the end of the day I am human being,I have feelings .
I know I said to myself never to cry again and to fill every inch of my life with happiness and joy.I succumb to my feelings and l listened to my heart.
Before the next teardrops fall...
Im feeling rather weak and fragile now.I better jump into bed and read a comic book or something,something to at least make me laugh .
May tomorrow and days to come will be glorious for us all ,days thats filled with joy ,laughter and happy tears.
21:11 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
07 Jun 2007
I need some sleeping tablets
Current mood: crushed
I feel very tired today, I tried to deny it ,but I am officially declaring today as my do nothing day"
NO its not the" time of the month" or "hormonal".Im not even in a bad mood, Im just TIRED.
My mum rang me very early today (5.45 a.m, UK time ) to tell me that my prime minister is getting married and he had officially announced the news, I felt happy and sad when listening to that,Happy that someone is getting married and sad because I am a big fan of his deceased wife , and I am sure that no one can replace that beautiful charismatic lady .
So, there goes my plan to wake up late again...straight to the bin, as I was encouraged by my mum to read Malaysian newspaper at approximately 6 in the morning. Yes...I got up and turn on the computer to check on Star online one thing led to another ...checked my e mail, replied my emails (I have 3 e mail accounts and managing junk mails are the hardest task if you are not a computer whiz))
Before I knew it ...I was having my breakfast and was forced to live like normal Az .
I am not trying to write my daily journal here,But at this time I feel like everyone has got a motive and I had become a target. and their main objective is to NOT let me sleep !!!!
Just when I thought that there will be no other interloper,I sunggled up under my blanket and cuddled up with errr ..my grey teddy called Booboo(ssshhh.....) that was merely 10 minutes ..BAM!!! yup !some people knocked on the door...its the mailman ,guess what ? he has got a big envelope for me... can"t he just put it in the mail thingy" at the door?? politely, I said thanks! though I know the state of my hair was enough to scare him and make him vow not to return again.
yeah and the good part is when the mail was just a bloody catalogue.
I sat in front of the telly ,on channel 126 para comedy ...for " hours, and nobody and I mean NOBODY at all was making noise or knocking on my door,everything went silence as if i am living on Andes or Rocky .When it gets quiet ,I decided to jump into bed again..., right after my wringgling under the blanket and im all settled down beneath the precious white ,warm,,soft Egyptian cotton and ready to go to the dreamland.. GUESS who knocked on my door???? double glazie salesmen ,As if he knew that there is someone in the house and he knocked and ring the bell constantly like he had never seen a door bell before..
I could just
1)Ignore the door bell
(though at that point I didn"t know who it was and It could also be important,especially when you door was knocked like there is an earthquake or other emergency is going on)
2)Open the door but leave the security chain on and shout "I NEED SOME REST AND I DONT WANT TO BUY ANYTHING FROM YOU!!!!
3)Open the door and say "HI! I Ting Tong I NO speak English(geezz.I can get away with that..
But.... I just said Thanks but No thanks after a long yawning explaination of what his company is doing..I can be too polite sometimes.
Shut the door and Now With regret Im here to announce that I have lost my desire" to sleep...
I gave up and start doing my laundry and other house work.Looks like its not lazy day after all.All the body scrub,body mask and mini facial plan??They all has gone to the bin too...Now Im off to make myself some nutella sandwich.and head for the gym.
8:23 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove
29 May 2007
Why going to the gym is good for you
Current mood: ecstatic
I just got back from my spinning class at the gym, and right after I got home and eaten my Indian Chicken balti and chapatti from Tandoori Take away , its pouring again.I just love The English weather its wet all the time.
To be honest ,Ive always wanted to do this and I mean ALWAYS wanted to write a blog or as a little kid I called it " computer diary "See,I watched a lot of this TV series called Dougie Howser MD ,about a whiz kid who practise medicine (yup, he is a 13 year old Doctor)and at the end of every episode, he would type his journal on the computer.( He is probably the first blog author in this world).But sometimes I get to lazy .Its a good thing that Im on my own now,It makes me think creatively and finally write a blog ,besides I get to sleep and eat more chocolate than I should when Im on my own
What can I say about my day today??one word...
Eureka!! I found a new place to do people watching" ,just like some of us,I enjoy the occasional " lets go to starbuck and watch human antics" kinda hang out, where you sit while drinking your favourite caffeine blend,with your friends,you talk and make fun of other people.In Kuala Lumpur we can find this scenario around Bukit Bintang"s coffee outlets ,if you are on your own..you watch the world goes by-(who are we kidding here? say if you see someone with say...a purple trousers and red shiny t shirt or a green cowboy hat ,YOU will laugh!... but quietly in your mind,in your heart,)If you are with friends you most likely talk about people who passed by,Its the new generation"s recreation.For me, there is only one starbucks where I currently am ,and the view and people who passed by it are usually the same identical kinda people.They mostly work around the area.YAWN ,same old ,same old.
What I had found earlier today is just amusing ,a real life soap drama in the gym,where I go 4 or 5 times a week .
Though months ago I cursed my own hands for signing the membership form and swears at this giant corporation that makes the human race all over the world to give them money so that they can torture us..Today all the anger towards this brand has gone,I will actually enjoy the gymnasium even more after today.Ill type about the health and fitness and the body image bla,bla,bla later .let me go on with this little tale of my gym.
Why I love going to the gym(just lately)
Reality TV Drama without the TV
Doing spinning class allows me to sit there and cycle ,while my eyes roving around looking at human"s behaviour.
My spinning instructor lets call him A is a nice men to look at and bless him ,he is so thoughtful and charming .You know like boyzone,westlife and all that? yeah,he is the kind of guy whom I think will fit perfectly into those bands.and because he is cute and always talking to me about my knee injuries.no wonder ,this beautiful chick with smooth skin often stared at me with anger as if She wants to eat me alive ...now I know why after months of wondering if I had done anything wrong to her..she is jealous! this little missy has got a crush on A , and here comes the dilemma of that girl that I dont even know her name(well, thats because she always stares at me and I got kinda afraid of her)
BUT , A likes this long haired girl who always wears fancy sports wear and when A was training us all ,long haired girl and A were always exchanging the "I want -you-so-bad-meet-me-later kinda look.But miss long hair " loves boys and boys loves her,if you know what I mean.
Pity miss scary look ", every girls and old women wants A"s attention,amongst that I noticed were
1)Miss I love- to- breathe- hard - when- Im- working -out- and- blow some wind -to -your -ear
(yup she"s always next to me and when she is out of breath she loves to blow (sigh)towards me..I swear , I dont smell )
2) Miss I -am -kinda- too -old(only 46_)- for- him- but- Im- gonna- give- him- a shot- anyway.-.older, wiser and better just like wines.
I hope one of them will get to be with A, will they pull each other"s hair ?will all 4 of them shares him?will the girl with scary stare stop staring at me?I hope to catch the last episode before I go back to Malaysia
For now Im just gonna carry on taking this class as I find it amusing to see these people and how they interact with each other through their eyes,knowing that eyes dont lie and there are 20 other people in the same class who could read your body language.Its better than eastenders,Its better than those Latin soaps.this is SO high school.
... and other reasons to go to the gym
Even the facial expression of some weight lifters were amusing,their facial reaction when they were working hard lifting weight..These are the things that motivates me to go the gym.When I go home I sit in front of the mirror and try to mimic their weghtlift face,cute really.Like the face of people suffering from constipation.
But of course last but not least... why I love going to the gym?...I enjoy the walk to and fro ,I can stop at Tesco express on the way and get lots of chocolate and fresh berries
The health ,muscle building ,fat burning and fitness benefit bits.(advantage of regular workouts )
Errr.... Ill talk about it later,because Im gonna go sit in the bath while munching on my newly bought cadbury bar.yawn.
footnote:please regard this as a fiction or just my plain fantasy as I do not wish to be sued by A or any of these ladies
4:21 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove
28 May 2007
All by myself.
Current mood: amused
Its raining again today..and tomorrow is a bank holiday and its going to rain as well...All that i ve been doing today is doing my yoga,sit in the bath with my rose aromatherapy cream bath( not petals-I think its such a waste to buy roses and crumble them into pieces just to look stylish ,rose petal bath are just for movies,or witch doctor"s mandi bunga),having my laksa noodles and enjoyed watching "the heaviest men in the world" on discovery channel.. Before that I was in front of the computer for hours playing on my simulation games(yes i do play online games how nerdy" is that.until I received a phone call from a friend from London who wants me to come down for an evening out as she is feeling rather down and bored.
I supposed living on her own for merely 2 days without her partner who had been for a stag do had made her the loneliest girl in this world.She then asked me how do I cope with living on my own most of the time,I start to ponder ,
Oh yea ,She also felt sorry that I have to be alone most of my life .
I am not mad ,slightly offended maybe,I know the intention is good)BUT...
I feel sorry for people who feels sorry for me,I am happy just the way I am ,I do think that I am quite a loner" ,but that does not make me uncool or unpopular, *Hollywood movies never did any justice when potraying a person who is always alone ,a.k.a loner(and also thanks to Virgina tech incidents)- for instance when you watched a TV show, the girl who is always alone are usually
c)psycho-dangerous and has a got bad intentions like to blow the school up
d)wearing teeth braces
f)a laughing stock
When... through my research ,and the feedbacks I"ve got from my friends when asked what they think of me
they all think that I am a fun person to be with ,despite my tendencies to reject occasional outings just to be on my own and at times ,and some of these people , they dont even like me that much, if they think that I am NOT fun they would"ve said it right to my face .So the conclusion is- I like to believe that I am a fun person.
(see if you feels bored ,you can always call people and asked them what they think of you,thats why I am never bored !)
Back to what I think of the conversation that I had with this girlfriend of mine,Girl,life is more than that, not having my loved ones by my side has certainly made me the strong person I am,I certainly cant complain when my late father left us forever ,and I dont have the cure and do not know how to undone death,I never complaint before and do not want to start now.So I go on with my life, and at 11 I moved on and cheered myself up,When I have some space of time that allows me to think of the sweet memories I had with him I just shut the button or do something else just like when you dont like a TV show,you either switch it off or be thankful when there is a commercial break.Like recently when Im in KL for months ,I dont just sit and sulk,I took pottery lesson instead ,and look at how many things Ive created from teapots to big pretty vases,THAT is my commercial break
So sulking and blabbing about your boredom and sad loneliness affair certainly is not my thang".there is too many agony and pain in this world and if you have a look at earth from the galaxy it seems like our problems are hardly a single dot.
I am definitely not bored,I am a loner,I enjoyed doing things on my own,having my own space ,doing it at my own phase.books to read,computer games to play,shopping malls to browse,little street with antique shop (while there ,make friends with the old men who owns the shop).
Dont feel sorry for me ..I am enjoying myself..Now ,if you dont mind,I need to go to the kitchen and make A Chocolate tart for me to enjoy all by myself..
2:37 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove