Saturday, 9 February 2008

Daddy's girl .... always.


My father died 2 months before my 11th birthday(I shared the same birthday with my dad) and 4 days before my mother's 32nd's birthday. He died of a sudden heart attack, When my college peers back then complained about their grief when their father did not buy them a car for their 18th birthday or when their mum did not allow them to see their puppy love I would look at them blankly, I was told, that does not mean that I don't listen or I was acting lost. I did not know how to react to mini sadness anymore. Because mine usually comes with a bang.

6th of June 1991
I said to myself that night, on our way back home from the hospital, "everything will be all right "(my mother always say that) 'R' my late father's orderly aka bodyguard, our driver and my little brother believed that we will go and pick him up next week and everything will be FINE, in December He will take us to the newly opened Tokyo Disneyland just as he had hinted earlier that year. That night I looked outside the car sliding on the wet road, the darkness of the night and the heavy rain pouring that night failed to wash away my worries at the time. Least that I expected the rain symbolized my mum’s tears the next morning

We went to bed without our mother who stayed with my father in the hospital , I know she did not eat for days, but I was too little to really understand , 'R' tried to make us happy , he made us some French fries .Late that night the phone rang and we were woken up and nobody said anything. I put on my jeans and tucked in my t-shirt, put on my pink cardigan. My brother lied down on car's back seat.
We arrived at the hospital and found my mum outside the Intensive care ward. I remember that night clearly but I won't share every single bit with anyone, because it is too personal and too difficult for me to share. Just enough to say that my father had gone forever. No tears from my eyes, I kept it in my heart , I don't want anybody to know that I am sad, Let me handle this grief by myself , let it be buried here forever. The death was not what I wanted .I was looking for a bright future with my family.I love my dad and my mum and I don't want to lose any of them. I thought that this could also be a bad dream because last week we were just out for a swim and he was in perfect shape .At that moment I have no choice but to be strong.I have to be what my father always want me to be -STRONG

After my father had been buried(we had more than a thousand people at his funeral ) , my brother asked my mum if He can still go to
school and how will we live?He was 6 and it's harder for him to accept living without our father.

LIFE.. goes on
We live and we are allright.My mum raised us well without a gardener , orderly or driver.She did it all by herself. My mother took me and my brother on various holidays , fishing trips and football matches , we even went on a road trip to Thailand in 1993.



I still remember when my role in the family once was the pampered spoilt daughter, I had said to my dad abut my intention of seeing a volcano ,to my surprise that weekend He tooked us all to Sumatera,Indonesia to catch the glance of Mount Merapi and as a bonus we also did Lake Toba ,that was among the sweetest time of my life.He would joke and tell us his experience and stories when he was younger .We were always singing in the car, dancing to the music at our house , eating our breakfast together and taking brisk walks and having tea, just us... family.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word
Although I know all that my parents ever wanted is for me to be happy ,
I have to apologise to both of them especially my dad for not being the person he wants me to be, for being a rebel sometimes , to not open up and talk about my sadness, to be such a dissapointment . I'm sorry, Ayah.

11 comments:

Liudmila said...

My father was the only human being in this world that loved me. And I was so egoistic that could not see it even when he died: he could not lieve me in this world alown, I thought. Well, we do not appreciate what we have in this life. I think, it's not only my problem.

AzAzura said...

Hi liudmilla, I had removed the word verification JUST FOR YOU to comment here.Thank you for sharing and your words means a lot to me.Hope you are well .

A Z R A said...

that just touched me somewhere deep inside...whatever it is you are strong, and im sure your ayah is proud of you in every way!......

you made me think about the things i done to my daddy laa...heheheh...i shall be a good girl now..... ;)

Hannan said...

it hurts even just reading it..
u are such a tough girl and I have a lot of respect for u .

Ur father would be very proud of u azura :)
I wish u all the best in the world.
take care dear :)

jaren said...

I salute you for being the strong woman you are now. I can relate with the sorrows of losing a parent. I lose my mom last 2005 and it is too much to bear.

Just don't lose hope. Nothing is impossible with Him up there. As long as we human are breathing, then there's hope. =)

Zen Chef said...

I can relate to a certain extent too. That was a very touching story and very well written. He's watching over you thinking you're beautiful and amazing!
Lots of love my dear.

doudy said...

I just read your posts and think WOW you are strong!! you know why ?
BECAUSE YOU ARE!!

JesseTheCat said...

Hello from rainy cool Cape Town..I read this post and some tears sprang to my eyes as I thought of my friend who passed away...and of my own fears at losing my parents! Your memories are wonderful..how lucky that you have such a strong mother who managed to bring her children up despite losing her husband and gardener,etc.
Did you learn your own strength from her,perhaps??
I am sure that your dear Ayah would never think you had dissapointed him...he would probably think that you are a winner,a beautiful and positive Spirit...and he would forgive you any little rebellious periods.Its what parents do.. :)

Farida said...

Dear friend,

Your posting has touched me to the deepest of my heart. I know many people (some in family) who has lost their father or mother or both parents as kids. It's hard. But such is life and nobody is insured. Life will go on. The only thing that remains is to keep going, live your life to the fullest, help others in grief and be STRONG, just LIKE YOU! Farida at www.azcokbook.com.

CiliQueen said...

Hey Sweetie..life goes on no matter how sad it is...you are lucky to have 11 years of memories with your dad...i only had 3 years with my mom...but then what to expect for a 3year old to remember??? ..anyway, we can only say Syukur Alhamdulillah...we had those years with them...and yup! you are right...just keep to yourself that feelings of sadness to yourself...no one will understand that feeling...i have been there...keep your dad's spirit alive and be happy as always with those loved ones who are still by your side...takecare :)

aglaiapoo said...

Thank you for visiting my blog. I have been browsing through yours too, and I wanted to let you know that I was very touched by this post about your father. I recently lost my grandfather, who was my pride in life. However, I did not spend enough time with him because I was studying abroad for over ten years. I just flew back just in time to spend the last week of his life together, and the memories and the loss has had a profound impact on my life. Please continue to cherish your memories of your father. My sincerest wishes to you.