Daddy's girl .... always.

My father died 2 months before my 11th birthday(I shared the same birthday with my dad) and 4 days before my mother's 32nd's birthday. He died of a sudden heart attack, When my college peers back then complained about their grief when their father did not buy them a car for their 18th birthday or when their mum did not allow them to see their puppy love I would look at them blankly, I was told, that does not mean that I don't listen or I was acting lost. I did not know how to react to mini sadness anymore. Because mine usually comes with a bang.

6th of June 1991
I said to myself that night, on our way back home from the hospital, "everything will be all right "(my mother always say that) 'R' my late father's orderly aka bodyguard, our driver and my little brother believed that we will go and pick him up next week and everything will be FINE, in December He will take us to the newly opened Tokyo Disneyland just as he had hinted earlier that year. That night I looked outside the car sliding on the wet road, the darkness of the night and the heavy rain pouring that night failed to wash away my worries at the time. Least that I expected the rain symbolized my mum’s tears the next morning

We went to bed without our mother who stayed with my father in the hospital , I know she did not eat for days, but I was too little to really understand , 'R' tried to make us happy , he made us some French fries .Late that night the phone rang and we were woken up and nobody said anything. I put on my jeans and tucked in my t-shirt, put on my pink cardigan. My brother lied down on car's back seat.
We arrived at the hospital and found my mum outside the Intensive care ward. I remember that night clearly but I won't share every single bit with anyone, because it is too personal and too difficult for me to share. Just enough to say that my father had gone forever. No tears from my eyes, I kept it in my heart , I don't want anybody to know that I am sad, Let me handle this grief by myself , let it be buried here forever. The death was not what I wanted .I was looking for a bright future with my family.I love my dad and my mum and I don't want to lose any of them. I thought that this could also be a bad dream because last week we were just out for a swim and he was in perfect shape .At that moment I have no choice but to be strong.I have to be what my father always want me to be -STRONG

After my father had been buried(we had more than a thousand people at his funeral ) , my brother asked my mum if He can still go to
school and how will we live?He was 6 and it's harder for him to accept living without our father.

LIFE.. goes on
We live and we are allright.My mum raised us well without a gardener , orderly or driver.She did it all by herself. My mother took me and my brother on various holidays , fishing trips and football matches , we even went on a road trip to Thailand in 1993.



I still remember when my role in the family once was the pampered spoilt daughter, I had said to my dad abut my intention of seeing a volcano ,to my surprise that weekend He tooked us all to Sumatera,Indonesia to catch the glance of Mount Merapi and as a bonus we also did Lake Toba ,that was among the sweetest time of my life.He would joke and tell us his experience and stories when he was younger .We were always singing in the car, dancing to the music at our house , eating our breakfast together and taking brisk walks and having tea, just us... family.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word
Although I know all that my parents ever wanted is for me to be happy ,
I have to apologise to both of them especially my dad for not being the person he wants me to be, for being a rebel sometimes , to not open up and talk about my sadness, to be such a dissapointment . I'm sorry, Ayah.