Thursday, 24 January 2008

Knock,knock ,knockin on my knees .

I hate talking about it , It's hard to open up and talk about your weakness.few years ago as I had mentioned many times ,I could not walk .I had to use wheel chair when I go out and being lifted up when I'm at home.My mother would not allow me to use a wheelchair all the time, she was afraid that I can never walk again.When I sit down I literally don't have any energy at all to get up.

Past it past
Now , nobody stare at me with sympathy anymore whenever I'm out .I threw away the hat that I had used to cover my balding hair and face, I don't want any of my friends to see me on that wheel chair,I felt so defeated , so helpless.. so useless.
But since Monday this constant pain on my knee is bugging me ,its like nails are poking my knee cap.My left arm is itching too and I am feeling exhausted all the time.I want to get rid of it, I want to wash it off. I want my life back but I can't! I am gripping my fist tight, put a smile on my face and pretend that I am OK .I don't want anyone around me to sense any of my sadness.... besides, I heard people said "fake it till you make it" and that is exactly what I am doing now.I hate when this thought of what ifs such as What if I go back to that state again ? will I lose everything? will I still have my team of supporters if it occur again ?

I cannot disappoint my supporters a.k.a my mother , my brother , my grandparents, my doctors , my boyfriend , my boyfriend's family, my best friend because these people were there for me and I saw their grieving face and I don't want them to see me ill. Most of all I cannot afford emotionally to go back to where I was.I had heard that a lady was in coma when Lupus strikes her again after being in remission for many years, and I do get scared listening to this sort of stories.While this knee is still hurting like mad , I had applied some balm on it and that is how I smell at this moment , its nothing like Chanel no5 ,I don't feel sexy at all smelling like lemongrass and eucalyptus. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh ...I'm taking some deep breath


Everything will be OK .I believe in myself , I am fighting Lupus.
Pray for me please, so that I'll win....

4 comments:

doudy said...

Keep the faith in yourself and fight :)

Zen Chef said...

You are strong! You will find the strength to fight this. I know you can. I know you will.
Praying for you for better days!
Lots of love from NY.

A Z R A said...

girl, i have faith in you, no matter what it is, never give up, i'm praying for you!

just be yourself, dont bother about others, and yes, those supporters of yours will always be there for you.

blue skies always! xo

AzAzura said...

Doudy,
Thank you and I will fight this .xo

Zen Chef,
Thank you for having faith and praying for me .Tq for being a friend xo

Azra,
I'll keep that in mind and thanks a lot , It means alot to me. xo