I hate talking about it , It's hard to open up and talk about your weakness.few years ago as I had mentioned many times ,I could not walk .I had to use wheel chair when I go out and being lifted up when I'm at home.My mother would not allow me to use a wheelchair all the time, she was afraid that I can never walk again.When I sit down I literally don't have any energy at all to get up.
Past it past
Now , nobody stare at me with sympathy anymore whenever I'm out .I threw away the hat that I had used to cover my balding hair and face, I don't want any of my friends to see me on that wheel chair,I felt so defeated , so helpless.. so useless.
But since Monday this constant pain on my knee is bugging me ,its like nails are poking my knee cap.My left arm is itching too and I am feeling exhausted all the time.I want to get rid of it, I want to wash it off. I want my life back but I can't! I am gripping my fist tight, put a smile on my face and pretend that I am OK .I don't want anyone around me to sense any of my sadness.... besides, I heard people said "fake it till you make it" and that is exactly what I am doing now.I hate when this thought of what ifs such as What if I go back to that state again ? will I lose everything? will I still have my team of supporters if it occur again ?
I cannot disappoint my supporters a.k.a my mother , my brother , my grandparents, my doctors , my boyfriend , my boyfriend's family, my best friend because these people were there for me and I saw their grieving face and I don't want them to see me ill. Most of all I cannot afford emotionally to go back to where I was.I had heard that a lady was in coma when Lupus strikes her again after being in remission for many years, and I do get scared listening to this sort of stories.While this knee is still hurting like mad , I had applied some balm on it and that is how I smell at this moment , its nothing like Chanel no5 ,I don't feel sexy at all smelling like lemongrass and eucalyptus. Ha, ha, ha.
Oh ...I'm taking some deep breath
Everything will be OK .I believe in myself , I am fighting Lupus.
Pray for me please, so that I'll win....