Not that I hate June , but I am having quite a bad start for the month, just like January this is the month when I looked back at what had been done and what have not.If I had been a bad or a good girl.
I remember why Andreas a friend of mine left his job as software engineer in London and decided to live in a small island in Indonesia ,after so much pain and turmoil surrounding him ,He left his job in London and came to see me in Kuala Lumpur en route to Thailand and said , "I hate to think and I don't want to think, thats why I left London" . 2004 was the last time I met this friend of mine the last e mail was short and sweet , telling me the story on how he loves the simplicity of his new life in a village in Lombok sipping on freshly grounded coffees and smoking kretek ' with the locals.
I was in bed last night and I had blood coming out from my nose ,it stained my beige pillowcase, and I used half of a toilet roll to clean my nose and mouth . For two hours I was bleeding ,I literally felt the taste of blood coming out from the back of my nose ,felt like someone had use a little sharp knife and stabbed my left lung and heart.My mum was crying and opened the health encyclopedia to apply some first aid on me.I don't know why it happened , but it happened several times , once in winter 2006 I woke up in the morning and realized that my white pillowcase has many big blood spots on it.
My brother and my mum , did not sleep last night, they were worried about my health.It is like I am married to this disease, I hate him but I can't run away from him.Sometimes I look at the mirror and say why? what can I do to get rid of this f****** thing called Lupus?and does anyone have any idea how painful is my life?
I once had a wonderful life and it was crushed in front of me.I have no other choice but to look at it and just move on.But how do I get rid of my bad husband? I can't ..I just can't.
Just like before I am doing this again , with tears in my eyes ,I said "No Az. life can be shit to just everyone, not only you.It's not June, it's not you, it's not Lupus."
So.... daily I am going to continue eating my favourite pill - I AM FINALLY ON PILLS , I DO PILLS !!.SO the next time some ecstasy addict talk to me about pills and trying to provoke me on what I had been missing , I am going to say, "Hey dude' I do pills too"! Its called prednisolone and only "special" people can eat them.
daily, I am going to drink my favourite chocolate drink , my grandmother told me whan I was a child(up to when i was 21 years old) ,"have some sweetness in life" while she offered me her fresh ,perfectly baked butter cake .When I smell butter, cakes and cinnamon they often brings back the sweetness , the fond memories of my childhood thats filled with laughter ,flowers and cuddles.
, I want to enjoy looking at my shmooboo, and orchid plant I bought 5 years ago, when I was paralyzed , she stopped blooming , no flowers, zero and now when I am pretty content with my health she has start to bloom again , just imagine what would happen if I am all ecstatic... she would bloom like mad I reckon!
And sometimes , to put myself and my happiness before anything else, this one I have to try hard....
And every second take a deep breathe and be thankful that I am still alive until today.
Today is the 17th anniversary that my father passed away , this date ,17 years ago... I lost my beloved father.I am off now , we have a little prayer for him a bit later.
Az Azura lived her life to the fullest...thats how I want to be remembered.