Transformer (Dont ask why)

No matter how I try to hide my frustration and sadness , it always comes back to me.
I want to be able to do what I used to do , like going for hours of shopping marathon and not feeling tired , not having to spend a bomb on my medications , trust me they are very expensive no matter where I got them from.Oh! how my life has transformed, and I am still trying to adapt myself to it

Im itching while Im typing this and thats the reaction from my medication, corticosteroids, hydroxychloroquine sulphate , aspirin and cod liver oil (to help my aching joints ) has become my twins, I rely on my medications

How long will I have to live like this? Will I able to live a normal life one day? will any smart scientist create a medicine to cure this disease? I DONT KNOW
As much as I pretend to be a normal person ,I am NOT and that is fact.
I am not looking or seeking for sympathy , I dont need them ..I dont need people coming to me and say "Awww, Im sorry .. " because it make me feel so defeated , something I"ve never been until this killer disease took over the whole Az,
turning the old happy bubbly Az into a less happy and bubbly person , turning an outgoing person into THIS person.And not to mention turning the slimmer me into the less slim person I am now, the steroids seems to plump up my appetite , and I had put on 10 kg from my normal weight therefore I have to get new clothes and do some power exercise Sigh...
I have not been wearing my party shoes for ages now, wonder when was the last time when I went out with friends and feel like before , those days when I dont have to worry about my medicine and disease expenses, those days when I know what Im doing and confident in whatever I do

My mum, boyfriend and brother always said to me, voice out what you feel and dont just keep it like you used to do, and there you go , I had puked some of my dilemma-yes, only some , wait until I tell you about the sunsensivity that people with Lupus suffers.I cant be exposed to the ray of the sun.

I want to wear my party shoes again ...