Monday, 28 December 2009


Since I came back to Malaysia and appeared on numerous media, I have got many emails from those whom I have not heard for many years, some are good and some makes me question of their agenda.After my father died all that we had was agony , growing with not that much money makes me realize that success , fame and cash is indeed a powerful instrument to get more friends and relatives.

For me those who were with me during my hardest time in life are my relatives, sincerety from the Uk to Saudi means a lot to me,These are my family- good friends who were there for me through my poverty and bad times.

I would not claim myself as being successful or famous, this is only half an inch of what I wanted to achieve in my life.To prove to myself and all the women and those who had lost their father when they were very young that we can also make it to stand on our own two feet.

I was wondering where have all these people gone when I was sick , when I went face to face with my failure, when I went through my career, personal and health frustrations?

I won't say the truth will prevail one day ...I am strong enough to tell it now.When my father died he left us with debts costing millions(I am NOT joking), my grandfather(my mum's father) had to top up some money that we had obtained from my dad’s .So at the end the amount was ZERO mum had to go back to work , lucky that she is a qualified lady but starting point was always difficult with my younger brother was only very young and I as a kid was a difficult child. We had a small house in a terrible neighbourhood and it was falling apart, I do not want to tell it on an open space about the rest of our history of what we had been through to respect the deceased that we love so dearly.We are his children and we carried his name upon us, so for outsiders to claim that it was painful for them, don’t be so fucking dramatic selfish...He is my father and I lost him when I was young , he hardly took us to see any of these claimed to be my relatives, he always told me to stand on my own two feet and not take any charity that is the principle that I lived with until today, whether I was hungry , when I was eating once a day meal, when Reza and I never complained a single word of how we had been ignored by certain so-called relative or how hard our life is.That was my childhood.

For those who wants to point fingers and accuse , I just want to be clear that My past was not perfect,But my mother never speak bad of anyone and she went back to work to support our lives, My mother’s father sent us both to school in England , My Chinese grocer gave us credit for food if we haven’t got any money in the middle of the month.AT that time I wish that we have a long lost relative just to ask me how my life is or offer me hugs as they know where my  grandparents house is I don't think looking for me is  such a hard task, but when I remember how I was being treated when my father was in the hospital and during his funeral...I laughed and thought, animals will always be animals, you can never makes charcoal white, they will always be black.

My life experience had make me the person I am it makes me appreciate those who are kind to me,genuine people who helped me through my difficulties and watch me from afar while smiling  when  I am happy.To these people, you have my prayer always...for  your health and happiness.

Those like Ragu my dad’s runner, my dad’s driver who took all the trouble to find us when I was 14.Until today Ragu still sends me hari raya card.People like Suzy,Roger, Rod,Dr KK , Dr Sheelagh who was there when I was paralyzed,People that lives in my life today are my relatives they were there for me for love, comfort and advice through my good and bad times.In order to protect my family, I hope those who wrote to me  would look at the mirror and have some pride.They said blood is thicker than water, to  me  A helping hand when I was in need , that gesture is thicker than  blood.
I am  saying that to rescue the writers  from further embarassment.

Allow me and my family to breathe, my mother had brought us up this far on her own and it was not easy.
Stop attacking her with vicious lies and gossips.

We were happy before , we are happy now...I am againts anyone who would try to destroy it.

Stay out of MY way.

P.S My grandparents  had performed Haj for my  father(upah haji) and tahlil every year.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Surrounded by those I truly adore

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

One Saturday afternoon , I have decided to meet my beloved friend for lunch.I have not seen her in ages and although that we both know that we live in each other’s heart like 1 soul in two bodies.I first met  Doctor  Sangeetha on my first day at school when I was 6 in a quaint little city where my late father was serving for few years.At that time Sangeetha was one of the reason to go to school we love doing the same activities and love eating same kind of food. First love is the correct word to describe my relationship with her,throughout boys, health and other issues we have definitely went through it all with grace.Eventhough we don’t speak to each other as much as we want to.I am so proud of my sweet Geetha she had alway been the smart one and the polite –soft spoken one I m not surprise of her success in  her career and personal life .I pray for her happiness... always and now that we are in the same city we have decided to catch up more often despite her busy work schedule as a Medical Doctor at a specialist hospital.So girl, as you and I eat alot shall we order a bigger portion of that delicious chocolate dessert next time?I’m sure our Chef Nik would be happy to hear that you love the little surprise under the chocolate volcano.

One beautiful Sunday afternoon, because I miss Mariana (who have not been well lately) and she misses me too , we have decided to go to the Pavilion for a quick cuppa.I really hope that she'll get better soon as after winning a world class design competition, all that I can foresee is her designing career going nowhere but skyrocketing UP so she needs all the energy from her magic hands to sketch beautiful buildings.Mariana is also someone I have known since I was a kid and someone I think the world of.Congratulations Mariana, I am so happy with your achievement and contribution towards design and restoration.

Mariana,Zai and Moi

With Christmas coming just One Night away... I am wishing those who celebrates it, A joyous one.

I am off for coffee and cakes at Zang Toi’s with my mother and I am excited to go and see Nik and gorgeous girl Yvonne tomorrow. :)

Thursday, 10 December 2009

17 again.


I am not very much of a hair person, my hair are seldom kind to me.

Last year's birthday I perm my hair into big curls and just when everyone thought that I can never live without my big hair, flower clips and hair mousse, I prove them wrong.For few days I had been contemplating every time before I go to bed if I should or should not.
A bottle of my favourite shampoo per month is enough to make me break my brother’s piggy bank quietly back then :P let alone getting my hair mousse , berry hair conditioner etc...

Of course now I don’t need to break any banks as I am currently in good hands.

Walla! This is the hairstyle I had when I was 17 until I decided to keep it long just for a change. Obviously , in this weather where my scalp is constantly in a sauna and I had to wash them every end of the day just because it’s always too warm here it’s not a good idea for me to continue my battle with ‘Mr bad hair day’. One fine day while recovering from my constant cough, I make my mum take me to her hairdresser Anne. So I went ‘chop it baby’

... with that surprised face, she said ‘NO!’

Everyone at the salon were looking at me as they thought I must be insane.

I held her fingers in my right hand , looked into her eyes and said

‘I need this... just do it, please ’

Usually ,people who decided on changing their outlook name it plumping their lips with collagen or shaving their head like a particular popular singer who sang shave me baby one more time ...wants a closure, a fresh start , that symbolises our first step and to forget the past, obviously the past must be not so pleasant that was why we wanted to forget it at the first place.

Some of my memories in this few years aren’t all sweet as I had mentioned in previous post in case you have not read my nagging through that one yet... but not one minute that I have any regrets with the route that I had chosen, there were times that I buried my face into my pillow, , sat in the corner of my room‘s floor feeling devastated of how some people could be so cruel with their lies and deceived me with their sweet words I am not talking romance , it could also be business, work, friendship.

I am sure they had obtained material or emotional satisfaction for doing that to me. I am still the person I am and I don’t have any bitterness towards anyone because I am focus on my own life – my grandpa say that a thief can never live happily ever.

Being Othman’s daughter... we are both resilient and always go through our challenges in life with grace,

because I am ZA’s granddaughter I learnt to be good to others who are good to me.Stay away from people who hurt me and be honest at all time.

Because I am my mum’s daughter I chose to excel and challenge my ability despite of what is lack .

It was such a long road, now, at this junction I am making a right turn and carry on walking until I see another junction again. But for sure, this route that I take will be as bumpy or even worse but at least I am prepared.

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.

As I said... my new year starts now , I making it better than 2009 despite some horoscope thing that had been sending me their offer through my email and said that I’ll be dead(luck-wise) next year.

Looking at my own face while Anne was cutting my hair, I realized that I look better when I smile. This is what I want a short hair that is easy to keep up with my busy work schedule.

Anne gave me back my long ponytail that she had cut off earlier, I buried it deep...

Came back into my house and drank a fruit juice from the bottle and on the label it says “refreshed’. I am indeed!

Before I go...

Congratulations to Anita Bora for her wedding .I feel so happy for her and husband..

If I don’t see you until Crimbo....

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Tuesday, 1 December 2009


Today, is  the beginning of December which  is my unofficial New year.I start everything early and discussing  about work today  , I know January 2010 is not a month for me to start  slow  where usually I am always reflecting and  thinking about my achievement and  failure.This is the  time for me  to move  at a good phase and think positive. Check and balance,  I guess I am ok for 2009.Many things happened, bad or good they are all experiences that  taught me  to be stronger person .

Today, I  was out for a meeting and these people that I  met  were great   and professional , that is something I rarely  found  in my city.Anne and Mr Gill,Thank you very much for  being  awesome.I am honoured to be associated   with you both. :)

Today, I had a conversation with a friend in Switzerland  whom I have not met  in ages, we met in a very odd way and   hit it off straight away, , spoken to my   new best friend  who lately  have been working non stop and he is still waiting for his cooking gadget that i helped to order, I feel bad  for the late shipment , but hey sometimes people are just....not fast.

Today , I  spoke to another friend  who is creative in every way ,  we talk about  relationship  and  how men are all the same.I am amazed at the maturity of this young gentleman defending his gender(healthy debate!), and my only regret is not  trying to get to  really know him earlier, we  certainly need to catch up   for coffee

Today, work  went  great.

Today , I meet loads of new people like that funny cab driver who talks  funny and  a girl  whom I wish  could be  more positive and make changes.

I love today , it's a great way to start my New  Year ...or  should I say  my new SAGA? just for the sake of sounding more sophisticated.